It happened last night.  Jerry was out of town and I was coming home by myself after working late.  (Yes, all that bitching about Jerry being the one who’s always working long hours and the second he leaves town my workload triples.)  Mrs. B raced me to the door like she always does.  Already weighed down weighed down with my purse and other loot, I grabbed the slippery pile of CVS ads out of the mailbox, stuck my key in the door, turned the knob and walked in the house.  I took the key out of the door knob.  I had the key in my hand and when I walked into the house and when I dropped the slippery pile of CVS ads on the countertop the key was gone.  Gone!  It was no longer in my hand.  It had evaporated into thin air.  I swear! 

I panicked.  What the hell happened?  Did I black out or something?  I frantically started looking through my purse.  I sifted through the pile of CVS ads.  I picked each piece of newsprint up and jiggled it, expecting my house key to fall out or something.  I crawled around on the floor. I looked under the welcome mat – 50 times!  When Jerry called from his Las Vegas hotel I was outside in the front yard peering in the grass  weeds with a flashlight. 

“I lost my house key!” I wailed.  After I haphazardly explained that no, I wasn’t locked out of the house but rather was simply crazy and didn’t know what I did with the key once I got in the house and then assured him that I wouldn’t burn the house down next, I hung up the phone, turned off the flashlight and went back into the house.  And then without even realizing what I was doing I stuck my hand in the side pocket of my gym bag and viola!  The key fell back into my hand. 

All this to say…what?  Well…if my gym bag hadn’t been weighing me down none of this would have happened.  See?  Working out is a real pain in the ass! 

I’ve been watching old episodes of Ally McBeal on Hulu Plus.  Remember that show?  It was great.  But it’s not the topic of this blog post.  No, the topic of this blog post is an evil hair myth which I’ve been hiding my entire life and a scene from Ally McBeal reminded me of it.  As a daughter of a hairdresser I feel it is my duty to get the truth out into the world about hair and I’m about to reveal one of the most evil of all myths about hair.

First the scene in Ally McBeal which has compelled me to get the truth out.  (And even if I was able to find it on YouTube I would be scared to share it due to copyright infringement paranoia.)  The scene took place in the Cage Fish Associates unisex bathroom wherein Portia DeRossi lets down her hair which was normally kept in a tight, neat bun which looked something like this: 

Out of the tight, neat bun flowed Portia DeRossi’s long golden platinum blond hair causing the jaws of Courtey Thorne Smith and Peter McNicol to drop.  And once again another exploitation of the world’s biggest myth about hair.  A myth which today will be revealed by the Lady Jessop: 

Releasing a tight bun does not result in flowing waves of beautiful hair. 

First off, wearing hair in a tight, neat bun requires a million bobby pins and a ton of hair spray.  In fact the longer and softer the hair the more bobby pin and hair spray is required.  Because long, beautiful, soft hair does not stay up in tight, neat buns.  To let hair down from a tight neat bun you need to do more than just pull a single hairpin from the back, like they do on TV.  And once you do remove all million of the hairpins the bun will start to unravel but because of all the hairspray you will look something like this:

The same thing goes for motorcycle helmets.  All those commercials where the mysterious black leathered motorcycle driver pulls up and then removes their helmet and viola! a beautiful woman with long flowing hair is discovered beneath?  Big fat lie!  Motorcycle helmets are hot as hell and they make your scalp all sweaty and once you finally get the thing off all that comes out is a flat dull mop. 

Got it?  Spread the word. 

My friend Lynne DeVenny nailed it (as she often does) when she once said that blogging without comments is like talking to yourself.  So true!  I love to get comments on my blog.  Every notification I get in my email is like a special treat that gives me a momentary “oh goody!” 

Wait. Scratch that.  Not all comments give me a momentary “oh goody!”  Some comments just make me automatically hit the delete button. 

If you’ve ever entered a comment on this blog you might have noticed that the first one didn’t show up right away.  That’s because my blog is set up so I can moderate comments before they get published.  First time commenters go through an approval process where they sit in my WordPress queue so I can identify the person as “approved” or “spam.”  Once you have been put on my approved list your comments go up automatically. 

Theoretically this means I can censor what people say.  Please know that I would never do this to a real reader.  Everyone has a right to their own opinion and is free to express it.  Except spam bots.  Since they are not real they don’t get the benefit of my censorship policy except for here where I will share with you some of the comments that didn’t make it to my blog.  And yes, I will l give them some undeserved privacy by not sharing their email address so they can’t get spammed. 

Let’s start with this comment I received concerning a post I wrote about emptying ink pens and filling spiral notebooks.  Charles found this very useful and seemed to think this might cure his acne. 

This bot was so touched by what I have to say he was speechless. 

Sometimes “people” try to impress me with their vast knowledge in legal matters and cobweb sites?  Don’t forget to click on that link for great travel deals in China! 

Janis tries to give me encouragement as well as a little constructive criticism.  Thanks Janis. 

And this one is so damn inappropriate it’s funny. 

Comments anyone?

In addition to having a policy of no regrets, I am also not one to hold a grudge.  Anymore.  There was a big  grudge I held on to for a long time and let me tell you, letting go felt great!  I highly recommend it. 

The grudge I had was against an ex-boyfriend.  Probably a common factor held by many “grudgees” but I’d say this guy really deserved it!  He did something that really pissed me off.  I won’t go into details but lets just say that California Penal Code 487 (Grand Theft) was involved.  Needless to say I broke up with the guy.  And for years after that I was angry as hell.  I spent the later half of my 20s devoted to this guy, thinking he was the love of my life, thinking we would get married, only to find out one day just months before I hit the big 3-0 that he had been doing illegal stuff for years right under my nose.  I wasted prime skinny years on this asshole and it pissed me off! 

I spent the next few years feeling completely miserable and the grudge I held for my ex-boyfriend was one of the main reasons why.  Eventually my anger subsided until it was nothing more than a tiny little bump.  But it was still there.  I could feel it. 

And then one day I had a revelation.  I remember the moment even.  It was a lovely Spring morning and I was driving to work over the San Mateo bridge.  I found myself thinking about the ex and the thought was “Gee, I hope he turned his life around and is in a happy relationship.”  I gasped out loud when I realized that the grudge was gone. “This must be what it feels like to really forgive someone.”  I thought.  It felt wonderful! 

And the best part was a few months later I met Jerry. 

The other day was carpet cleaning day at Jessopland.  We consider this to be a joint activity but really Jerry get all the glory of running the beast machine.  I get to “help” by holding the cord. 

While the carpet cleaning project was technically inspired by a pile of cat puke left by Mrs. B, I decided to call this New Year’s cleaning and therefore got inspired to do a few other projects including the very satisfying activity of vacuuming up dust bunnies from under the bedroom furniture.  I also did a plastic-ware audit, a heartbreaking activity in which I bring all my plastic food storage containers out of the closet and match them up with a lid.  Stray pieces which can’t be matched up get tossed.  For some reason I always end up with more lids. 

None of these activities ever seems to take more than a half hour and I always feel accomplished when I’ve completed them.  It’s a great way to start out the new year.  I think I’ll continue today with washing out the garbage cans and oiling the wood tables. 

Do you do New Year’s cleaning?  What are your projects?